Reclaiming the Lost Art of Connecting

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Text, Wednesdays with Woodward (registered trademark) Webinar Series. 

A coffee cup sits on a desk next to a laptop. Text, Travelers Institute (registered trademark). Travelers. A woman appears on a video call. Text, Jessica Kearney. 

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JESSICA KEARNEY: Good afternoon and thank you so much for joining us. I'm Jessica Kearney, Assistant Vice President here at the Travelers Institute, filling in for Joan Woodward this week. Welcome to Wednesdays with Woodward, a webinar series where we convene leading experts for conversations on some of today's biggest challenges. 

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Slide, Wednesdays with Woodward (registered trademark) Webinar Series. Reclaiming the Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Business Relationships. Logos, Big I (registered trademark) Minnesota. Travelers Institute (registered trademark), Travelers, MetroHartford Alliance. Women & Allies Diversity Network. UCONN School of Business, M.S. in Financial Technology, SHE Travels. 

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If you've joined us on this program before, you might have heard conversations on things like cybersecurity, the economy or auto safety, all through the lens that we bring from the insurance industry. Today, we're going to do something a little bit different. We're going to get a little more personal. 

Have you ever walked into a networking event with lots of people and just felt totally overwhelmed, didn't know where to start, or maybe you even wanted to hide in the bathroom? Or maybe you're more comfortable in those settings and maybe just not getting the traction that you want, or the connections that you're making are just starting to fizzle out. And let's face it, the last few years have been a little rough. They've been isolating. And so maybe your network is just a little rusty and it needs some dusting off. 

So today we're going to go there-- the lost art of connecting, of human connection, and why we feel happier when we have it, and why it helps power successful careers in business. And importantly today, we're going to hopefully deliver a message of optimism. So even if connecting isn't something that comes naturally to you, not to worry. Our guest today is going to show us how this can really be a learned skill. I hope the next hour will arm us all with some really practical guidance that we can start implementing today to reclaim the lost art of connecting.

Before we get started, I'd like to share our disclaimer about today's program. 

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Slide, About Travelers Institute (registered trademark) Webinars. The Wednesdays with Woodward (registered trademark) educational webinar series is presented by the Travelers Institute, the public policy division of Travelers. This program is offered for informational and educational purposes only. You should consult with your financial, legal, insurance or other advisors about any practices suggested by this program. Please note that this session is being recorded and may be used as Travelers deems appropriate. Travelers Institute (registered trademark). Travelers. She returns to the previous slide, with the title and logos. 

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I'd also like to thank our webinar partners today. You'll see here on screen the Master’s in FinTech program at the University of Connecticut School of Business, the MetroHartford Alliance, Big I Minnesota, and we're also thrilled to partner with two wonderful groups within our own Travelers community, advocating for women and helping them advance their careers in the insurance industry-- the Travelers Women and Allies Diversity Network and SHE Travels. So, thank you so much to all these groups. We really appreciate your participation and being here with us for this conversation. 

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Slide, Speakers. Pictures, names, and titles. Text, Jessica Kearney - Assistant Vice President, Travelers Institute, Travelers. Susan McPherson, Founder and CEO, McPherson Strategies; Author, The Lost Art of Connecting. 

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And with that, I'd like to introduce today's speaker, Susan McPherson. Susan is the founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies, a communications consultancy focused on the intersections of brands and social impact. She has 25-plus years of experience in marketing, public relations and sustainability communications, and she's a regular contributor to the national media. 

She is the recipient of Forbes magazine's 50 Over 50 Impact 2021 award and Worth Media's Worthy 100 award. She is also the author of "The Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Relationships,” the foundation of our discussion today. And I have the book right here with me. And I know a number of you got copies, as well. 

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She holds up the book. 

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This book is a really practical guide. So no matter where your network stands today, our goal is to get granular on some specific approaches, tips, tricks that will help you better connect and build your constellation of networks. And with that, I'm so pleased to bring in Susan. Susan, thank you so much for being here with us today. 

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The slideshow disappears. Jessica and Susan appear side-by-side on the video call. 

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SUSAN MCPHERSON: Jessica, I am so honored and grateful. And it's wonderful to be here with you and all your colleagues. Thank you. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: So let's get right into it. And I think, just off the top, I just held up your book, which we're really excited to dig into and talk about. Can you tell us about the book, about "The Lost Art of Connecting”? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure, sure. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: And can you break that down for the audience? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Absolutely. Well, when people see the title, they often assume I wrote it in response to the pandemic. Correct? However, I actually wrote it during the pandemic. And I started to write it in February of ’22-- excuse me, February 2020. And we all know what happened in March. 

But the original impetus for writing the book was really to pivot away from classic networking, which so many of us have learned how to do since the beginnings of our career and learned how to be very, almost, dare I say, transactional. My goal was to flip that on its head and, instead, create a meaningful way to connect a network, leading with-- get this-- how I can be helpful to others. So, instead of when we walk into a room and we think about, hmm, what can I gain, what can I walk away with, who can I meet that's going to help me get that next thing, that next, bright shiny star-- instead, walk into a room, virtual or in real life, and think about, how can I be helpful? What are my superpowers that I can be using to lead the way? 

So that, essentially-- and I'll tell you one other thing. Four or five years ago, a friend of mine told me that when she took her son and daughter to the school bus every day, and she would hug them goodbye and they'd get up on the big, yellow school bus, as soon as they took their respective seats, their heads would bop down to look at their handheld devices. And every other child on the school bus was doing the same. 

Now, my school-bus memories are not all, you know, that. Believe me. But I talked to my fellow classmates. And that is what sparked me to write the book. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's amazing. And I know, you see pictures today in the media or on social media of just crowds of people, right, and just the number of people that are looking down on their phones. And I think that's going to be one of the themes that we talk about today, over the next hour, is, obviously, technology. Our whole way of communication has been upended. It's changed, and it's never going back to the way that it was before. But where do we-- how do we find that balance, and where do we bring it into perspective? 

I'm very excited to bring the audience in. We've got two audience polling questions we thought would be interesting really just to kick off the conversation and see where we are. And I know I shared this with you just before we came on, but we've had such a strong reaction to this program, so many people signing up and submitting just terrific audience questions and really sharing their own vulnerabilities, that it's been very moving. So I'm looking forward to getting into those conversations and bringing what people actually really have on their minds today. 

So we've got the first polling question up. I see some people are already responding. "What's the status of your professional network today?" 

And this is totally anonymous, so, you know, it's a safe space, so be brutally honest. Is it thriving? Are you in OK shape, or does it need help? And I'm just looking at some of the initial responses here. 

About half of us say it's in OK shape. 42% need help. So, clearly, we've got some good conversation to be had. 

And then let's move on to our second polling question, just to kick things off. "What is your level of comfort in situations where you're expected to network or make connections?" 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: These are great questions. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: All right, we've got about 10% of people saying they avoid networking and social events altogether, another third saying they're uncomfortable. So it's about split, between comfortable and uncomfortable, with some varying. Can you react to those two polling results? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, first of all, you know, we've been out of practice, right? I mean, clearly. And I'm a complete extrovert, as you can probably already tell, but I will go to an event and I will feel somewhat rusty and uncomfortable. But I like to think it's a bit like riding a bike. 

Every spring, when I get my bike out of storage here-- I live in Brooklyn Heights-- the first four blocks I'm riding it, I'm convinced I'm going to die. And then, by about the fifth block, I'm like, oh, I got this! 

So I think part of that reticence is people who literally have been out of practice. But I think also, on the positive side, I think we now have something that we all can connect on. I mean, everyone on this planet has been affected by this pandemic-- obviously, some people way worse. And we know people lost loved ones and livelihoods, et cetera. 

But this is almost the first time that all of us, no matter where you live, no matter what socioeconomic class you're representative-- what religion you are, you were affected. So in some ways, when we go to events, whether they're virtual or in-person, we have something that we can connect on. So I think, in some ways, that helps give a safety that we didn't have prior. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah, it's a very interesting topic. You mentioned starting writing this book in February 2020, and to be writing about this topic. And just off the top, here-- and I'm sure we'll get into this more, but how did that affect the writing process and how this evolved, as you wrote the book? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: The good thing is at least we had no idea how long it was going to go on. I think if somebody had told any of us in March of 2020 that two years later we’d still be-- or two and a half years later we'd still be dealing with the ramifications from it. So, for me, it was a grounding, because it was something to focus on. Also, I interviewed about 35 different leaders who have made connecting-- or have felt that connecting powered their success. And so, by interviewing them, it gave me hope for the future, because we were all grappling with, how do we stay connected? So, hearing from people like Adam Grant and Brooke Baldwin, who was an anchor on CNN, and Whitney Johnson, a major business thinker, talk about how they were never, ever going to take for granted their connections gave me a lot of hope for the future. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's fantastic. That's fantastic. Thank you for sharing that. So let's jump right in. 

So this is the Gather, Ask, Do method. Obviously, there's three steps, and we're going to go in that order and walk people through some of the methodology and the tips and tricks. So let's start with Gather. Can you tell us a little bit about the first portion of your book? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure. And just let me ground it in a little bit of reality. I founded my company, McPherson Strategies, when I was 48. I'm now 58, so we are going on 10 years. But 90% of our business over the last 10 years has been inbound. 

So what that taught me was the connections, the communities that I started building in my 20s, in my 30s, in my 40s, actually turned into something much bigger than "connections" or contacts on LinkedIn. So one of the important grounding methodologies for the book came from that, so that, for those of you who are just starting out in your career or those of you in business development or sales, connections really mean success. And we need meaningful connections to drive our business. And I do believe there's proof in the pudding when I look at the success of our-- of my company. 

So the methodology is such-- it's grounded in my professional experience, but we start with Gather. And, first and foremost, in Gather, you connect with the most important person in your life. And I can't see the audience, but if I could see a show of hands, I wonder who you think the most important person is to connect with. 

Yes, you are right-- yourself. And you do a self-analysis to find out what your superpowers are. Because if you remember, a few minutes ago, I shared that the underlying theme of the entire book is leading with how we can be helpful to others. Well, if we don't know what our superpowers are-- and notice it's "superpowers," not "power," because we have many of them-- we need to understand how we can be supporting others. 

Also in the Gather phase, you think about what your goals are-- over the next one year, three year, say, five years. And you think about who you want to connect with or reconnect with that are going to help you meet your goals, but also ways you can be helpful to others meeting their goals. And lastly, in Gather, you think about the all-important nuance, that we live in hermetically sealed bubbles-- myself included-- where we tend to surround ourselves with people who look like us, sound like us, the same age, race and color as us. So how are we going to do everything we can to break out of that bubble, so that we can meet people who aren't like us? Because in the end, that is also what is going to lead to a much more enriching personal and professional life. 

So that is very much the Gather phase, at a very 30,000-foot view. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah, and let's pick up on-- you mentioned starting with yourself in this process and really getting to know yourself and your goals. Can you talk about that a little bit more, just as people are starting to frame this for themselves? What types of things should they be thinking about or trying to be introspective about? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, first and foremost, it's hard, right? Because many of us suffer from imposter syndrome or lack of confidence or think, depending on where we are for approaching retirement, what the hell? What are our superpowers? How can we be helpful? Or if we're just starting out and just perhaps graduated community college or college and we're thinking we have nothing to add, but this is where somebody in your community-- a best friend, a partner, a spouse, a parent, even a child-- heck, your dog-- could tell you what your superpowers are. And I'll tell you a quick story. 

In 2007, I went on a retreat with eight of my dearest friends. And our goal of that retreat was to come up with our elevator speeches. And if some of you may recall, 2007-2008 was a real kind of reflective period, because social media was starting to really take hold, and it was very important that we could articulate who we are very succinctly-- hence the name "elevator speech." 

And the goal was, over that weekend, that by Sunday we would each be able to say what our superpowers were, quickly, eloquently and being articulate. So it was that weekend I finally said, hi, I'm Susan McPherson, and I'm a serial connector-- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, of course, I wanted to pee in my pants, because it sounded so ridiculous. What the hell is a serial connector? But now, 16 years later, I wrote a book on it. 

So I tell that story because I felt safe and I felt comfortable, because I was in the company of eight of my dearest friends. So to me, right now, this exercise is really important-- for connecting for anything. But also know that you all have superpowers. And it doesn't have to mean have a Ph.D. in physics. OK? You could be incredible at speaking multiple languages. You could make a fabulous tomato or spaghetti sauce! 

I'm being kind of silly, but I think the point is, it takes looking in. It takes asking others. But don't be afraid to literally request this from people that you know. And make lists! I'm a big list-maker. [LAUGHS] 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's terrific. Thank you for sharing that now. Yeah, I was going to ask you some examples of superpowers. So that was, those were some very good, tangible ones. Be thinking about our spaghetti sauce. 

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SUSAN MCPHERSON: We tend to think it has to be something-- and also, just remember, as the 58-year-old woman in the room, you're going to have superpowers that ebb and flow, OK? There's going to be times in your life where you are thriving in one area and perhaps, in your view, lacking in others. But it's a good exercise to do every couple of years. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: One of the things that you've said, and you said that you came to this epiphany about your superpowers surrounded by some of your closest friends-- you say in the book that you've long taken the approach that Work Susan and After-work Susan are one and the same person. Can you talk about that a little bit? Because I think a lot of people-- we talk and we hear about bringing your authentic self to work, but we know there are some boundaries. So how do you view that, and why is that important to this conversation? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure. Well, several things. One, you see me sitting in my living room, with my cute Phoebe behind me. 

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She points to a dog lying on a couch behind her. 

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So you already see a world of Personal Susan that years ago wouldn't be possible. 

Two, it's hard enough being one person. So the thought of being two people-- you know, why add that extra layer? And three, for those of you of age, in the ‘90s-- in the mid '90s I for the first time started bringing a computer home at night, at the end of the day. And as soon as I got home, I would plug my ginormous laptop-- which was, like, the size of my refrigerator-- into the wall. And I would send and download my email messages. 

And while that was happening, I would go and do my dishes. I'd return to the computer. My hands were covered in suds. And, honestly, that was the end of Work Susan and Home Susan.

I know I sound like I'm being silly, but we spend so much of our given time at work, it is so much easier being the same person. I'm not suggesting we air our dirty laundry, but if we can open up just a tad bit more-- when we're safe-- and I understand, many people may not feel safe. But when we feel safe, by doing that, others will open up, and you will create a more vibrant workplace that is more productive, more effective, and people will be much more likely to stay at the company as well as recommend the company. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: You've said a few things so far that I think could maybe give people some hope or maybe lessen some of the reservation, hesitation, anxiety they might have about making connections. One is that being the same person and making the case for really bringing your authentic self, and that you don't have to have these two personas. And then two, which is a major theme throughout your book, which you've mentioned, is offering to help others and turning that network instead of about being me-me-me, it's, how can I help you? 

And I think-- and you write about how that does take off some of the pressure and makes it a little bit easier. Can you talk a little bit more into the idea of helping others and how that might help you in this Gather phase in kind of bringing that constellation of people together in your network? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, I want to make sure folks don't think, when I go to an event, that I run around just shaking hands saying, how can I help. But it's really learning to listen to the cues of ways you can be helpful. And for instance, Travelers is a major company, right? And those of you who work in different departments, it can be really powerful and empowering for you, for your professional trajectory, when you learn about others who are outside your core. So, if you're in sales, it can be really valuable to learn about the finance department or the marketing department or the HR department. And just by merely showing up and saying to people, either virtually or in your offices, and being like, I've been at the company for x amount of time, and I've learned this. Are there ways I can be helpful to you in you doing your job? 

And as long as you're authentic about it, and not just tossing that out there, it's a great way to learn more about the entire organization as well as learn and press into what your strengths are. I, for 17 years of my career, worked at a company called PR Newswire. And I made it my absolute goal, early on, all the way back in 1989, to learn-- even though I was in marketing and sales-- but to learn what the different departments were, just enough so I could be dangerous, but also so that I could be listening for cues of ways I could be helpful. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: And you talk about the five-minute ask and the five-minute favor. So we're getting into the next section here, but I thought that was a really helpful way of making something very time-limited, right? Because obviously you can't help everyone, and you can't take on everyone else's projects and everyone else's work. But could you talk a little bit about those time-limited asks and maybe some examples to make it a little bit easier? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Of course. Well, the five-minute ask came out of this notion that women, specifically, we don't ask enough, right? And this is a big generalization, but men typically tend to ask for what they want and deserve much more likely than women. 

So, what I wanted to do was help women feel more comfortable making those asks. And I have found, in my career, that if we bring people along, as opposed to just-- boom-- making the ask-- like, hi, I'm building a company. Can you fund my company? Or hi, I joined a nonprofit board. Can you fund the nonprofit? 

Instead, keep people interested with almost a vested interest, by keeping them informed. So, over time, then, when you do have an ask, it is-- they're already kind of taken with you, if that makes sense. 

But I do want to stop for one sec, because after Gather there's a section called Ask, which is a little bit different than the five-minute ask I was talking about. And that Ask is learning to ask the meaningful questions of others, so that you can find out what their hopes and dreams are. And that way, you can be helpful. Correct? So I just wanted to make sure I deciphered between the two. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Fantastic. Thank you for that. So when you're going about-- and then going back to this Gather phase-- when you're thinking about the types of people that you want to build in your network-- can you talk a little bit about that? I know you mentioned, it's not always exactly someone that maybe fits directly into your business plan. And then how you build that real constellation of folks. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, something my parents taught me very, very early on-- and I am so grateful for this notion-- but that is, every single person, no matter who they are, no matter where they come from, no matter where they live, no matter the color of their skin, is deserving of our compassion, kindness, interest and curiosity. And by living that, it has really, really enabled me to build a very fulfilling, enriching life. 

Because we don't know what we don't know. And if we are afraid to open that door or make an introduction to somebody, we're missing out on not only so much to learn from them but learning things within ourselves. So I'm a huge believer in taking that leap-- with our colleagues but also people we've never met. And that is really, when I think about just all the beautiful experiences-- 

Also, if I could poll everyone, I'd love to say, think about all the amazing things that have happened in your life. Almost all of them happened because of a connection. If you think about it, right? 

So we need to be open to these things. We need to be-- you know, take down those walls, if I can term it like that. I also just grew up with parents who were serial connectors, and early, early on, as early as the 1970s, I assumed everybody's parents were. So, for me, it was just the norm. But I understand, for others it may be a little bit more challenging. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: So if you're starting from scratch, or your network's a little rusty, what's maybe a first or second practical step to jump-start building your network?

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure. Well, we live in a beautiful era of technology. And I made that early comment about the school bus and the kids, but I am no Luddite. I mean, I love technology. And boy, thank goodness we had Zoom and Microsoft Teams and Google Hangouts and FaceTime and everything during this pandemic, because it would have been horrible. 

But the challenge is, is when we use these technologies and we're not intentional. So if we think about, in the Gather phase, where I suggested you literally intentionally think about the people you want to connect with and reconnect with, make a list. OK? I know it sounds really rudimentary, but make a list of 10, 20 people. 

I also-- we live in a beautiful time where we can reach out. You know, in the '80s, I worked for the newspaper USA Today, and I used to have to call, to do interviews. I was a researcher, so my name was at the bottom of stories. To research people before I called them, I had-- get this-- the “Encyclopaedia Britannica” and the Yellow Pages! I bet there's people on the call today that don't even know what the Yellow Pages are! 

Neither will give you very much information. But guess what-- today, you have something called the Google-- and whatever-else search engine that you use. And you can find out almost anything and everything, unless someone is so blatantly private. 

But you can look up somebody's career trajectory on LinkedIn. You can see who you are connected to, to that person. You can see what they're upset about on Twitter. You can find out if they have grandchildren on Instagram. 

What I encourage you to do is find the un-- I’m sorry, the commonality in the uncommonality and use that to reach out. Now, not everyone's going to respond; in fact, the vast majority won't. But that doesn't mean you can't try. But make it about them. 

I'd love to do a quick poll, because this is something I know to be true. How many of you get a connecting-- I’m sorry, a connect request on LinkedIn? You say yes, and within an hour somebody is selling you something. I'm sure that's happened to you, Jessica, yes? 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Mhm. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: It's so frustrating! Now, what if, instead, the person reached out, you said yes, and then they said, Jessica, I understand you just got a major promotion at Travelers. Congratulations. Is there anything I can be doing to help you find-- I know you need to fill your new department, and I know some good candidates. And oh, by the way, I want to tell you about-- 

Wouldn't that be so much of a better way? 

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Jessica nods. 

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So, me, make a list, look up a bit about each of the person, and when you reach out to them or reconnect with them, find some point of commonality. We all have it. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: And when you're doing those reach-outs-- I know you just mentioned a LinkedIn example or a digital example-- can you run through some other scenarios where you might have to decide whether it's more appropriate maybe to meet in person versus do a digital reach-out. I know you have a lot about the different signals that that sends. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure. Well, in terms of meeting in person, we all know for the past few years it was challenging. So we had to get creative with technology. But now, hopefully, if we're finally getting out of this pandemic, you know, the old meeting for coffee, going for a walk-and-talk, going horseback riding [LAUGHS] if that's your flavor of choice-- I think, get creative. 

The other thing is, when you see someone at an event-- if you're at a conference, a dinner party, you name it-- don't be afraid to walk up to the person who's by themselves. I think we are always terrified, because we fear rejection. But I almost guarantee you that when you walk up to that person and that person's alone, that person is going to be so relieved. Because guess what-- that person is not alone anymore. 

And yes, there's always that 1% chance that the person says to leave me be. You'll move on. [LAUGHS] But I think, be creative. I do walk-and-talks with people all the time. In fact, I think I have walked from Brooklyn to Montana and back, during the pandemic, but it was also a safe and healthy way to keep in touch and also meet people that I hadn't met. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's fantastic-- and very practical. So thank you for sharing those. I do want to talk about energy. People get their energy from different places, right? Some people get energy from being around others and are more extroverted, and some people get their energy from being alone and are more introverted. Can you talk about-- when we think about building connections, I know during the pandemic many of us have taken on additional responsibilities, at home and elsewhere-- I would love to talk about the differences between where you get your energy and also how you just avoid burnout by taking on too much. How do you gauge how much energy to invest and how often to do it? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: So I'll start with one thing around energy. Several years ago, I had the fortunate opportunity to meet Adam Brandt when he wrote his first book, “Give and Take.” And one of his contentions was, the more meetings you take-- meaning, when people ask you to pick their brain or what have you-- actually the more efficient and effective you become, because you are so much more intentional about your time.

Also, everyone you meet is a new resource so that, down the road, when you need help, guess what-- you have people to tap. So it's not all about you taking on the effort but diversifying the effort across [LAUGHS] various-- let's just call them "stakeholders"-- but people in your community. OK?

But I know, for people who are introverted, for people who are shy, this notion of connecting is horrifying. But this is where it's important to recognize the differences between transactional networking-- which is very much 1-to-100, 1-to-many-- to connecting, which is much more 1-on-1 and 1-on-2. And I often say-- before you are going to an event, or even a virtual event, if you are shy or introverted-- I like to think in the power of threes-- or what I called in the book "the triumvirate"-- where you go with the intention of meeting three people, learning three things about those three people, and sharing three things. And then you can go hide in the bathroom or go back to your hotel room and order room service. But the notion is, you don't have to-- I know we feel the pressure sometimes that we have to meet everyone. 

And the other thing is, we have the luxury now, oftentimes-- not always-- to be able to know who's going to be in the room before we go. So you can think ahead and look up who those three people are that hopefully you can help out or perhaps they can be helpful to you. But that intentionality can relieve some of the stress and the burdens. 

I also think that exercise of thinking about what your superpowers are before you walk into these rooms can be really healthy. And believe me, I do it. Because even though I appear, like, "go!" --and all, like, Miss Confident, here, I'm terrified of my own shadow. 

So, before I go to events, I often think, what is it? What are my bag of-- what's in my bag of tricks that I can lead with? So hopefully those are some little, teeny tidbits. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's great. And I think going in with a plan and having a strategy, and knowing what you want to accomplish, I think, does take some of the fear out of it-- makes it more intentional. That's fantastic. 

So, preparing for a meeting-- you give a lot of really tangible tips in the book. For one example, you say you should be able to stand up and basically give someone their Oscar speech, right? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: [LAUGHS] 

JESSICA KEARNEY: You just talked about doing a little bit of research. Can you dig into that Oscar speech a little bit more for us? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Of course. And I can give you a little bit of background on that. For years, I have hosted a lot of events. I love to-- because I love making connections. It's, like, my-- well, the opposite of my kryptonite. And what I do, to make introductions-- instead of saying, Jessica, meet Belinda-- I'd be like, Jessica, I want you to meet Belinda, because you both went to Northeastern, and then you happened to overlap when you lived in New York City, and, oh, by the way, you both love hummus. 

So instead of just saying, Jessica, meet Belinda-- Belinda, meet Jessica-- I try to bring in some minimal, little factoids. So what I call in the book the "Oscar speech" is-- you know, when you watch the Tonys or the Emmys or the Academy Awards, when they introduce the person coming up on stage they give a whole lot of information about that person, ranging from all the films that person has starred in to what that person's favorite designer is to what that person's favorite breakfast cereal is. 

So, I'm not suggesting you have to do all of that. But when you make introductions, if you can show the person you're making the intro to that you have seen and heard the other person, it's the greatest gift we can give one another. And you're helping solidify the start of a meaningful connection. What happens after, you can't control, but you're almost like-- 

If you think about when you plant a seed in the ground, if you give it fertilizer, guess what happens-- and some extra water. But if you just plant that seed, good luck. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah. That's very, very good advice. Another thing you said about—so you have a meeting-- you're meeting-- you're connecting. And I think many of us have probably had this experience. 

You follow up with a person, and then they ghost you. They don't respond. And you're sitting there, thinking, did I do something wrong? Did I not make the connection? 

And you talk about giving three options, and you break down the psychology of some of the reasons why people might not respond to you. And I thought that was very insightful. I'm wondering if you can talk about that a little bit. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Oftentimes, people don't respond because they can't, right? I mean, we know people are busy. But, more often than not, they feel like they can't be helpful. 

When we send out a request and just give somebody one option, we're not doing ourselves any favors. So I'm a big believer in, give people choices. And those of you who are here today who've been in sales training knows this, that it's easy for somebody to say, hi, do you want to buy this product. And of course, they're-- you know, no! [LAUGHS] 

But it's scary to write back the negative. But instead, if you say, here's this great new product-- also, here are some sample social media posts, or would you be so kind to forward this to three other people, you're much more likely to get a response from people. Again, helping build that connective tissue. 

So do what you can to make it easy for the other person, which I realize is a little bit bigger of a lift. But why wouldn't you do everything you can to get a response, right? 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah. Yeah, that's terrific. That's terrific. Now, I want to move forward to the Do section. You've said, in the past, that this third step in your method is one of your favorites and one that you're most fond of. Can you talk about that a little bit and frame it out for us?

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yes. And just to lead in-- so we had Gather. Then we had Ask, when you learn to ask the meaningful questions of others. And if you listen very, very carefully-- which I know can be challenging for many of us, myself included-- but then you get to the Do phase. 

And the Do phase is where you become reliable, responsible, resourceful, and all the things that make you a success, both personally and professionally-- meaning, you follow up, you follow through, you make those introductions. And that is where I tend to love to live, because all the magic that can come when people are connected-- the companies that are funded, the impact that can make-- that can be made-- the couples that fall in love, for goodness sakes. I've introduced three that are now married. So there you go. [LAUGHS] 

But the Do phase is really important. But I also just want to caution-- it doesn't mean you have to do everything the next day after you meet someone. This is the long haul. This is over time. And there are going to be times in your life where you can't be helpful, where you can't make introductions, and that's OK. But this is, again, over the years. It's being responsive and resourceful. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Great. Great. And you talked about follow-up action. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yes. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Why is that-- what are some of the biggest mistakes that people make when following up? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, how many of you, when somebody pops in your brain and you're like, oh, I need to get in touch with that person, and then you're like, I'll get to it later, and you never do. OK? So one is not prioritizing. Two, not making note. 

I am a slave to making lists-- and lists of lists-- which I know sometimes can be counterproductive to some people. I also use voice recording, so that, when I am out for a walk or if I'm driving, I might then remind myself, I need to follow up. I need to do this. 

I'm also a huge believer in "do it right away." OK? I know it's easy to say, I'll get to it next week or I'll get to it tomorrow. And then we know what happens. 

Most importantly, when you do follow up, make mention of something in the conversation. Because that way you're basically stating to the other person that you heard them, that you saw them, that you listened to them. So instead of just saying, it was great meeting you at the Travelers dinner last night, say, it was great talking about that amazing new podcast-- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd love to keep in touch. What is your mode of connection-- WhatsApp, email or phone? Find out how people want to stay in touch and make note of it in their contact information. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: So it seems like really listening and picking up--

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yes! 

JESSICA KEARNEY: --really listening and picking up on those details are critical to making and deepening a relationship. And you talk about that, as well, just the importance of listening. Can you hit on that a little bit more? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure, sure. Well, I encourage all of you to listen to Dr. Julian Treasure's various Ted Talks on the subject. I got to interview him, and I was blown away. But he is the master when it comes to learning to listen. 

And a couple of tips he said-- which now I do much more religiously, and one is, when I am listening to someone, whether it's a speech or in a conversation, and I find my mind going off to the Thai food I want to order for lunch or the dishes that are in my sink, I actually fess up. I mean, if somebody is on stage, I'm not going to, like, interrupt the speaker. 

But I will say to the person, Jessica, I'm so sorry, I lost you there for a minute. Can you repeat what you said? Which 10 years ago I probably would have been terrified to admit. But to me now, it's actually a lovely thing to do, because it shows the person you actually care. 

Two, I write stuff down, while someone is talking, so that when I do the follow-up, I have that at the ready. And lastly, do everything you can to do-- to not do what I have been guilty of, and that is reactionary listening. I'm so excited to get into the Do phase that I'm already thinking about how I can be helpful rather than just focusing. 

So, try not to do that. So those would be three quick, little things. But if you listen to his talks, you will become the world's best listeners. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Fantastic. And I'm sure there's more recommendations that we can probably get to there, in terms of how to keep expanding your mind on this topic. I do want to pivot and get to some audience questions. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Questions! 

JESSICA KEARNEY: We're getting a bunch. We're getting a bunch coming in-- first one from Danielle Klotzek. "I often think about reaching out, but then I put it off until I have magically more time or mental energy to catch up. I'm always stunned and guilty about how much time has lapsed. How do you prevent the lapses and also conquer the anxiety over reaching out after a long period?" 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Take ownership. Be truthful. This pandemic, again, is the great commonality. And, you know, you always risk that you're going to reach out and somebody isn't going to respond. But you know what? You did the right thing by trying. 

And I think, instead of coming up with all sorts of excuses, just be honest. I've lost touch, and I feel badly, and I want to make amends. 

And you, of course, run that scary risk that you will be ghosted. It's happened to me multiple times. But the beautiful thing is, I imagine you also have other-- hundreds of other people in your community that, if that happens, you can reach out to them. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yep. Perfect. All right-- "How many connections are too many?" Jonathan [INAUDIBLE] 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: [LAUGHS] That is such a-- I don't mean "personal" like you can't ask me-- but I think that that depends. I mean, I know some people who have a very small circle, and they thrive with that, and they have meaningful connections. 

So, I don't think it's necessarily the number. I think it goes back to thinking about what your goals are-- what you hope to achieve. I think it's also thinking about ways you can be helpful to others. So it's hard to put a number on that. But you will know when it's too many. I'll tell you that much. [LAUGHS] 

JESSICA KEARNEY: All right, great. Dallas Downey asks, "What's your stance on being your true self and connecting with someone, versus behaving how you think you should when connecting?" 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: I think, in my 20s and 30s I thought way too much. So there is something that comes with age, where you are more comfortable in your own skin. This is also-- and I know I sound like a broken record-- where you think about your superpowers and lead with them. And that helps you be more authentic. 

I do think people are pretty smart, and they can see through when you're not yourself. But just as almost like a mantra, before you go to a meeting or an event or a dinner, tell yourself those things, so that it is easier to be yourself. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah, that's good-- some positive affirmations on the way. Absolutely. All right. Bailey Aleksander wants to know "What advice do you have for keeping conversations going? I sometimes find myself at a stall when networking at in-person events, where the conversation has just tapered off. How do I leave a lasting impact, to the point where they will remember me, and they'll want to talk to me in the future? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Oh, my goodness. First of all, Bailey, thank you for that question. Make it about them. OK? I know we know ourselves the best, but sometimes if we ask-- have ready questions in our back pocket, we can keep the conversation going. I mean, obviously you don't want to keep it going where it's artificial-- 

But I like to have questions like, what is the best thing that happened to you in the last week? Or, if you could go anywhere tomorrow, and money wasn't a question, where would you go on the planet and why? Or, what was the favorite vacation you took before the pandemic? Or a real goofy one is, what is your-- this may be something you would say with a colleague, not necessarily somebody you don't really know, but-- what was your favorite food, as a child? That tends to elicit all kinds of thoughts. 

But again, I think having questions at the ready. Certainly, there's topics, today-- because of the vitriol we're living in. So, politics is probably something you don't want to have to deal with, certainly on your first meeting. But things like, what is your favorite podcast? Have you watched a good series? I know a lot of people end up talking about sports. 

But have those questions at the ready. And make it more about the other person than about yourself. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah, a little preparation goes a long way-- going back to your Oscar speech, as well. OK. "How do we stay organized in a world gone crazy with email and still have time to make personal connections? Any suggestions that work with you?" 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: The thing is, yes, we all live in email-- dare I say-- hell, and then we have Slack, and then we have WhatsApp, and then we have text, and then we have phone, and we have smoke signals and FedEx and UPS and everything else. I think you almost have to schedule it on your calendar, once a day. 

And one of the things I did during the pandemic, that I am continuously doing now, is every morning before my coffee I reach out to three people. And I reach out to them in a way that I'm not expecting necessarily a return. And it's one of three things. 

One, just sending some love or like-- you know, whatever. Two, asking the person how they're doing and letting them know you're thinking of them. And three-- I live alone, I'm single, I don't have parents, I don't have kids, so sometimes it's me just saying, hey, don't forget me! OK? 

Sometimes people respond, and sometimes people don't. But what I do is, I go ahead, and it's the three names that pop in my head. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Fantastic. So, you gave us a little glimpse into your calendar and how you organize some of this and how you-- when we're approaching networking events or just even in our daily rituals, go about framing some of this out. We've gotten some questions about language and how we make these asks or how we make these connections. Kirsten Salmond asks, "Are there key phrases that you think help to create a better sense of connectivity with people, both with clients and employees?" 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, how many of us have been in meetings and the first subject matter we all-- whether it's a Zoom or a conference call or a meeting in real life-- goes to the weather? OK? I bet everybody's hand would raise, right? Look, we're living at a time of climate. Weather’s important. But if we sit here and talk about the weather in Minneapolis today, we don't learn anything about anything other than the weather in Minneapolis. 

We don't learn about each other. We don't share anything. And the reason people do it is because it's safe and it feels comfortable. 

So, instead, let's start the meetings talking about how we really are. And I like to quote Brené Brown, where she says, instead of "Jessica, how are you today," she'll say, "Jessica, in three words, tell me how you're feeling today." And then you don't run into the, meh, I'm OK. I'm fair. I'm good. Right? It gets people thinking and talking. 

And I also think it's really imperative, in this world now where we have some people in the office and some people who are not, that we do everything we can to bring the people who are not physically in the office to feel like they belong. Because if not-- we've all been there, when we're in a room and there's somebody on a conference line, and we completely forget that person's there 

So, instead, we have to be extraordinarily intentional to bring that person in the room, even, before the meeting, stating to the person, how can we make-- or the many people, how do we bring you into this conversation and make you feel more like you belong? 

JESSICA KEARNEY: We're getting some questions about social media. And I know there's lots of conversations about potentially it being disconnecting. Can you talk about the role of social media and how that plays into either disconnection or connection? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, it can be dangerous. There's no doubt. And I think back to the early days of Twitter, when I started something on Twitter called CSR Chat, which stood for Corporate Responsibility Chat. And it was my way to help connect people in the corporate-responsibility place. 

It wasn't me blasting out what I had for breakfast. It wasn't me talking about my accomplishments. It was me showcasing others. And to this day, 16, 17 years later, I find that social media can be a wonderful way to showcase people that you care about, that you admire, perhaps people you haven't met but people you want to meet, right? All of us can use a little bit of dopamine in our lives. 

So again, you could set up a weekly, I'm going to showcase one person a week, on whatever platform is most comfortable to you. It could be TikTok, for goodness sakes. It could be LinkedIn. But do it like you'd want to exercise a muscle. And, that way, we're putting more positive juju into the world as opposed to contributing to the vitriol. 

Because it can be really, really powerful. And back to that Oscar speech-- when we can show publicly somebody's accomplishments, we are being-- we're being truly good humans, right? I mean, in the end, isn't that what we all want to be? 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And you talk about reciprocity in the book, as well, and how that-- what you put out comes back to you. And I just thought that was a nice segment, as well. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Jessica, if I can share one quick story that I think is so very true about reciprocity-- and also, this notion of not being afraid to take risks, meeting people that we've never met-- because we don't know enough about them. In 2017-- it was a Tuesday afternoon-- I still remember it like it was yesterday-- I got an email from a friend who works for UBS. And she said, Susan, I was hoping you could help my friend Brandt, a filmmaker, get into a refugee camp in Greece tomorrow. 

Now, to level-set-- I for years have served on the board of the U.N. High Commission for Refugees. So it wasn't totally out of left field. However, one, it's not easy to get someone in a refugee camp. Two, it was the next day. And three, my mind kept saying, the last thing the world needs is another documentary film about refugees that no one's going to see. 

But I realized I had 20 minutes-- make a few calls. Lo and behold, I got what I thought was a documentary filmmaker into that refugee camp. 

Well, I learned two weeks later that he wasn't a documentary filmmaker. He was a big-budget, Hollywood film director. And a couple months later, another friend said to me, Susan, do you happen to know any filmmakers who could go spend a week to two weeks at a refugee camp on the Syrian border, to teach kids how to make films to talk about their experiences? 

Well, guess what. I called Brandt. Not only did he say yes, but he brought eight other Hollywood bigwigs to go spend a week and teach these kids how to make film. But there's more. 

He created a short film called “Refugee” that Angelina Jolie happened to see and has been taking that film on the world stage to remind world leaders that there is still very much a real and dire refugee crisis going on. And that short is now going to be a big-budget film that's going to come out next year. 

So, the moral of the story is-- I'm not taking credit for all that happened, but I like to think that I played a tiny, little role in making that introduction. And I have to tell you, I no longer let my preconceived notions lead. And that is the power of meaningfully connecting. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Yeah, wow, that is very powerful and a very good highlight example of you never know where things are going to evolve to 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yes! 

JESSICA KEARNEY: I know that's amazing. And I think, to get us there-- I'm seeing a lot of questions coming in. You talked about taking that risk, just to get over that hump and speak up and have that conversation and make that connection and stay open to those conversations. So we're getting some folks that are asking, how do you deal with rejection, real or perceived, and in some cases, or the anxiety of potentially having to deal with that? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: I wish I knew the answer to that, honestly. Rejection sucks. And the only thing I can think of is, if you make more, there's less. Right? And I know that sounds kind of goofy, but it's true. 

And it's just a part of life. And you also just have to realize that, when we reach out to people, it's not that people are more important than us. This is going to be goofy, but-- 

My late mom always said, even Queen Elizabeth passes gas. And her point was-- sorry about that analogy, [LAUGHS] but the point was, we're all human. We all have insecurities. We all feel, when we walk into rooms, that we don't belong. 

But guess what. We really do-- every single one of us. And no one is superior to us, even if they have a bigger job or make more money. It doesn't matter. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: What were your biggest takeaways from writing this book? What's been maybe some of the most rewarding reactions that you've gotten, or feedback, or just, how are people reacting to it? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, honestly, Jessica, it's to be invited to be in rooms like this and meet people like you-- to have the privilege to be able to talk to amazing colleagues of yours. I think it's also this notion that we can lead a life where we're helpful to others-- and that doesn't mean we're giving up our first child or we're not taking care of ourselves. But sometimes merely an introduction to somebody else is being hugely of value. 

I would say also, just a quick side note, I was able to dedicate the book to my mom, who I lost when I was very young to a tragedy. And in my 20s, I used to fantasize that if I ever wrote a book, the most exciting thing would be able to dedicate it to her on that white page. And to this day, that was one of the greatest gifts of being able to write this book. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: That's wonderful. And I was touched by the stories that you shared, of your family and watching your parents model these behaviors for you and serve as serial connectors. And we've actually gotten a lot of questions from folks, as well, about youth and how you talk to young people and model the way-- and it seems like you've got the perfect basis for that. So I wonder if you could maybe give some folks some pointers on having these conversations with young people today and helping to nudge them along in their journey to become-- to have that human connection. 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, and I feel for them, after the two years of this pandemic, right? I mean, they started out, this young generation grew up with screens, right? So, to me, as the "older persons" in the relationship, it's our responsibility to not live on our screens and actually demonstrate how connections make a world a better place. So, if we're glued to our screens, guess what-- we're not serving as the model. 

And I think it's also important to impress on people that there's money to be made, and there's businesses to be built, and impact to be made through connections-- meaning, it's not all just for fun. And there is fun along the way, but the point is, this is really valuable to people in their 20s, in their 30s, and in their 60s and 70s, because everything happens-- or, if you think about it as the spark. But those sparks come, based on our human connection. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Susan, I think that's a perfect way to end the hour. Any final thoughts that you'd like to share with our audience today? 

SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well-- filled with gratitude for all of you. I will say-- if one thing you all need to know, that if you make dedicating time, energy, to building meaningful connections a regular habit, it's as good as running every day and eating kale every day, in terms of your health and longevity. So, I love kale, I live in Brooklyn, but my running days aren't quite what they used to be. And so I would say, if this is going to help my health, then so be it. 

So that would be my final thoughts. But thank you, thank you, Jessica. And thank you to Joan Woodward and the rest of the crew at Travelers. I'm so touched to have been here. 

JESSICA KEARNEY: Susan, thank you so much. That was a really fantastic hour. And I hope that we armed people with some really practical guidance on how to approach building their networks and building their connections and feeling more fulfilled in the process. So thank you very much. 

I'm going to take this opportunity now just to preview some of the programs that we have coming up here at the Travelers Institute. 

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Slide, Wednesdays with Woodward (registered trademark) Webinar Series. Register: travelersinstitute.org. Upcoming Webinars: November 16 - Global Hotspots and Geopolitical Risks with Former U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense Ian Brzezinski. November 30 - Got your C.P.C.U.? (registered trademark). Explore New Opportunities to Grow Your Risk Management Career. December 7 - The Business Imperative of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion with Laura Liswood. December 14 - The Construction Job Site of Today: Risks and Opportunities. 

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So thank you, Susan, again. And thanks, everyone, for tuning in. There's a link in our survey about today's program in the chat. So please, fill it out and let us know what you thought about today's session. 

And then, looking ahead, as I mentioned-- on November 16, we'll welcome Ian Brzezinski, a Senior Fellow at the Atlantic Council. And we're going to talk about issues of energy and stability in the Balkans, as well as the impact of the Russian invasion in Ukraine and Europe and geopolitical hotspots. On November 30, we'll have a chat with Peter Miller, President and CEO of the Institutes, on what to power our credentials with and the future of education within the insurance industry. And then on December 7, we'll speak with Laura Liswood on the business imperative of diversity, equity and inclusion. 

So, as always, thank you for spending the hour with us. We know there's lots of ways that you can spend your time in the afternoon, so we appreciate you being here with us. And we'll see you next week. Thank you 

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Slide, Wednesdays with Woodward (registered trademark) Webinar Series. Watch Replays: travelersinstitute.org. LinkedIn, Connect: Joan Kois Woodward. Take Our Survey: Link in chat. #WednesdaysWithWoodward. 

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